resurfacing

From the last couple of years...

Where to start? A question I’ve been asking myself for quite some time now, which has made it difficult to get to this very point. But I’m here, and I’m proud as hell of myself for it. So, where have I been? What have I been up to? The truth...a lot. Similar to everyone on this planet, my life changed drastically as we all went into lockdown. Shortly into quarantine in June 2020, my sweet friend and roommate passed in a tragic accident. In the months following, I struggled to continue sharing my life with the world consistently.

My world became filled with a lot of yin and yang energy. The pandemic caused the best part of my job (the travel), to cease for some time. With that, however, came the opportunity to engage fully in my yoga practice and to show up to a community more consistently than I ever had the chance to.  That community filled my soul with the kindest of humans, taught me more about myself than I ever knew existed, and led to me my amazing partner, Mike. With zero expectations, we went on our first date and never looked back. Mike moved to Denver, CO in the summer of 2021 as I stayed in Florida, switching job roles to begin recruiting internationally.

In between frequent visits to Denver to see my guy, I was traveling to the Middle East and other places across the world for work - amid a pandemic and heightened border restrictions. Stressful is an understatement for what international travel was at that time. It was a whirlwind and after a year in that role, I started feeling unsupported at work which made me start to resent traveling (one of my favorite things to do). My entire being needed rest.

I experienced burnout like I didn’t know existed and found myself in a mildly depressive state. I struggled to get to yoga each day even though it was something I loved and knew brought me back to life. I lost a spark in my soul and as I continuously tried to put the puzzle pieces of my life back together, I realized some had gone missing while new ones had appeared. I had become a different person, with different needs and desires, more confident than ever in who I truly was, but the least satisfied in external areas of my life I had once treasured.

I loved living in Florida - I discovered an entirely new part of myself there and that ongoing journey is something I hold so close to my heart. I wasn’t quite ready to leave, but I knew something had to change. I decided to leave my job that no longer aligned with who I wanted to be, put my belongings in storage, and quietly moved on out to Denver last summer. YES, I MOVED TO COLORADO! What a ride. Nearly a year later in Denver, I am still trying to put the new puzzle pieces together.

Life truly became a rollercoaster that I don’t think would pass safety regulations if it were to be built in 3D. It was filled with an immense amount of support and love from so many beautiful people but also filled with grief I am still trying to know and understand.  Grief showed up in many forms, but I gratefully learned that it was still possible to laugh and smile through the tears, to find joy in little moments, and to exist wholly in a space of absolute confusion. What I didn’t know was how to talk about it. In fact, in some ways, I was afraid to.

As I got closer to myself, I became more and more misunderstood by others who once “knew me.”  The only thing I felt capable of was preserving who I was and who I was becoming, but that preservation wasn’t always what I wanted. I am a storyteller, an open book, a person who believes the deepest form of connection comes from being vulnerable - and yet, I felt like my only option was to close it out for some time.

So here I am in Denver, resurfacing into myself, trying to find the balance and the new starting line, and letting go of fear. My desire for community, my desire to share and be vulnerable, my desire to write - it’s never left me - and while I’m not sure what’s entirely next or what I’m fully ready for, what I do know is fear is taking the back seat and I’m eager to start again in a different way. I’m eager to connect and reconnect in a new light. If you have gotten this far, thanks for being here. You’re why I am here. For those of you that have been an endless light on my trail, I am wildly grateful, and, if we have yet to meet, I look forward to it happening soon.